“I lived there and it was beautiful in my eyes but I don’t feel I belonged.” This will probably be my exact last words when I die.
My search for peace has become an obsession and for this case a deadly one. Peace for me is to be able to live comfortably without fear of tomorrow. All these living doesn’t allow for that. You are always worried about something and unfortunately most of all these worries are money related. What will I eat? How will I pay my rent? I need more money for my health insurance,my salary is not enough, my children need an education, the list is endless. Bad economic times are hitting the country leading to huge numbers of lay offs . Everyday a company closes causing more unemployment and what’s worse even people who had their own businesses,are closing down. The taxes are killing wanainchi the stress and pressure is unbearable. That’s why the suicide rates are going up. A man wakes up one day,with no means to feed his family he decides, I will end all these sorrow for you and for me,he sets the house on fire to kill him and his family…be together until in death.
I have lived with the fear if death for so long and blocked out the imagination out of my head. After I lost my friend and all I could see is his body in a box buried 6feet under I began embracing the idea of dying. The life leaves the body ,your loved ones mourn but the lifeless body lays there without knowledge of the happenings around it,totally unbothered and peaceful. The peace is what I envy the most. Although we can tell for sure if a dead body is at peace with its surroundings maybe someone is just paralyzed and thats why they can’t move yet they feel every emotion and pain, I don’t know.
I am so sorry for anyone who loved me. I am sorry for my mother that I had to make some thought decisions that will break your heart. My life has become a burden to me. It has its hands on my neck,squeezing tighter every dawn. The life that gave me strength now weakens me. Life itself sucks the life out of me. If I said I want it out of me, I would not be bluffing. I am tired of fighting for a future that does not exist. Call me weak for taking my own life but it took me a lot of courage to finally take this step. It’s not cowardice that I could not face my struggles, I tried many a times that it’s not worth trying anymore .
I will miss seeing the sun,the blue skies and the green grass and trees. More than anything I will miss feeling the cold morning fresh breeze against my face, I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful I experienced while living like that. Oh my family, my poor loving family,I caused pain to your hearts I can’t be more sorry. Think of this like my final step to the freedom and peace that I talked so fondly about. I hope the other side, they’ll be no judgement because if this will take me to hell then it’s such a shame that such harsh judgement should be passed to an innocent person who only wanted to experience happiness. I want to appreciate everyone who was close to me and shown me their unconditional love and support. I’ll take that with me. You won my heart and it saddens me I can’t take you with me on this journey. You belong where you are .
PS,This is not goodbye.